Big French Loser
by Princess Hannah
Summary: A parody of Spongebob's Big Pink Loser episode. Anakin is successful, we all know that, but when Lafayette wants to be just like him, can Anakin keep things under control? I doubt it. Rated Kplus for very mild language and some blood.
1. Lafayette's Ambitions

_Disclaimers 'n' Crap: This fic is basically a re-cast of the Spongebob episode "Big Pink Loser". I do not own Anakin, Obi-Wan, "American Pie", "Everything You Know Is Wrong" or Taillow. Lafayette is a historical figure but I took him from Liberty's Kids and Gabe is a real person so I don't own them either. Nightshot is my character but he's a Pokémon (an Umbreon for all you anime geeks) so I only partly own him. The Skywalker Saber is MY idea and the city of Fruitville is a fictional location (in upstate New York) and is entirely my creation. MINE. So is E-Max, Astis and the Guardians. Enjoy the fic.

* * *

_

It was a lazy Sunday morning in Fruitville. The Marquis de Lafayette (or, Gilbert, as some called him) had gotten up early that morning just so he could go back to sleep outside. He was a Frenchman of about 23, tall, with a blue colonial general's uniform and grayish-blonde hair in a ponytail and was relatively good-looking. He was snoring softly when something was stuffed into his mouth. He woke with a start, his first impression being that he was being gagged, but after looking around, he realized that it was package that had been stuffed into his mouth by the mailman who was walking away down the street. Lafayette took the package out of his mouth and opened it. His jaw dropped.

"An award?" he said, gazing at the shiny trophy "I've nevair gotten an award before!" He held it up to show to his house. "Look, house! I've got an award!"

"…………." Lafayette ran out to the Taillow field to show _them_ the trophy.

"Taillow! I've got an award!"

…peck…peck…peck…peck…peck…peck…

_Then_, he went up to the E-Maxen moon.

"Astis! I've got an awa…ack…cough…" Lafayette should have known that there's no oxygen in space. He went back to Fruitville. _I've got to show Anakin!_ he thought. At that moment, Anakin was standing on a ladder, finishing a giant card-model of his little brother, Nightshot, a small, black dog-like creature with a scar shaped like a check-mark across his left eye.

"Almost done, Nightshot," said Anakin.

"Good," said Nightshot "My arms are getting tired."

Bang! Lafayette burst in the door and the cards collapsed, causing Anakin to fall to the floor and Nightshot to run away to the next room.

"Look, Anakin!" said Lafayette "I've got an award!"

"That's great, Marquis," Anakin bluntly stated into the floor "What did you win it for?"

"See for yourself," said Lafayette. Anakin got up and looked at the small plaque at the bottom of the trophy that read:

For Outstanding Achievement In Achievement

Anakin Skywalker

"Anakin Skywalker?" said Lafayette, laughing "Zat's an unusual way to spell my name." Anakin looked at him in an _I-hate-to-break-it-to-you_ sort of way.

"Uh, Gil, I think the award is for me," he said "You must've gotten it by mistake." He took the trophy from Lafayette. Like Lafayette, Anakin was a tall, handsome young man in his early 20's, only Anakin was dressed in a brown Jedi tunic and his dark blonde hair was closely cropped, with the exception of his Padawan braid behind his right ear and a small ponytail in the back.

"But," said Lafayette "Eet's _shiny._"

"Yeah," said Anakin "But, you know what _else_ is shiny?"

"_Ice cream_!" screamed Lafayette, running over to the door "I can find eet! Eez eet in here?" He grabbed the doorknob.

"_Wait_!" yelled Anakin "_That's my_…"

CRASH!

"…award closet."

Lafayette looked sadly around at all of the shining trophies and blue ribbons and burst into tears.

"I want an award too!" he sobbed. Anakin surfaced from the sea of awards.

"Gilbert, don't cry," said Anakin, soothingly. The remark would have gone deeper if it hadn't been for the fact that Anakin had emerged from the pile with a trophy on his head and two blue ribbons covering his eyes. He took them off and went to comfort Lafayette. "Don't worry," he said "You'll get an award one day."

"_Non_," said Lafayette, sniffling "I'll nevair get an award because I've nevair _done_ anyzing!"

"But you're _The Marquis de Lafayette_!" said Anakin "You can do anything you want! Well, as long as you're not killing anyone."

"_Oui_, but zat's easy for _you_ to say," said Lafayette "You're _Anakin Skywalker_! You become a Dark Jedi and take over zee galaxy!"

"Don't…remind me," said Anakin, glaring "Anyway, about your award. If you wanna get one, you gotta do something." Lafayette thought for a moment. Then he snapped his fingers.

"I know!" he said, triumphantly "I'm going to defeat zee giant worm man and save zee 9th dimension!"

"That's great!" said Anakin "But even for a Guardian, that sounds a little difficult. Think of something smaller."

"I want to defeat zee _petite_ worm man and save zee _8th_ dimension!" said Lafayette.

"Think smaller," said Anakin.

"Train engineer?"

"Smaller."

"Jeweler?"

"Smaller."

"Psychopathic maniac?"

"The smallest you can think of!"

"A job at zee Krusty Kenobi?"

"Yeah!" said Anakin "I do stuff at work all the time!"

Anakin made arrangements that evening and by the next morning, he and the newest Krusty Kenobi employee were standing outside the double doors, ready to start their working day.

"Eet was certainly nice of Obi-Wan to give me a job here," said Lafayette.

"And at $50 an hour, too," said Anakin "When I started working here, I had to pay Master Kenobi $100 an hour!" Just then, Gabriel, Anakin and Lafayette's kid neighbor, came out the doors. "Hey, Gabe!" said Anakin "Guess who just got a job!"

"Guess who just quit!" said Gabe, giving Lafayette his employee badge and walking away. Lafayette grinned and turned to Anakin.

"Do I get my award now?" he said.

"Nooooo," said Anakin "You've gotta _do_ something first." During the breakfast shift, Anakin decided to put Lafayette on delivery duty. Anakin took out a tray with food and handed it to Lafayette. Lafayette ate everything on it.

"Do I get my award now?" he asked, eagerly.

"No," said Anakin "You need to take the _tray_ to the _table_." He handed Lafayette another tray of food and this time, the tray _did_ get to the table…with the food in Lafayette's mouth…again.

"Like zat?" he asked.

"Nooooo," said Anakin and he handed Lafayette a third tray of food. "This time," he said "Make sure the food _gets_ to the table." Lafayette took the tray (and the food) to the table…and ate it.

"Like zat?" said Lafayette.

"No," said Anakin.

"Dammit!" yelled Lafayette, accidentally spitting the food into the customer's face. During the lunch shift, Anakin had another job for Lafayette.

"Just answer the phone," said Anakin. This seemed simple enough to the Marquis.

Ring!

"Is this the Krusty Kenobi?" said the customer.

"_Non_, zis eez Lafayette," said Lafayette. He hung up.

Ring!

"Is this the Krusty Kenobi?"

"_Non_, zis eez Lafayette."

Ring!

"Is this the Krusty Kenobi?"

"_NON_! ZIS EEZ LAFAYETTE!" He slammed down the phone. "I am not a Krusty Kenobi," he said.

"Uh, Lafayette," said Anakin "That's the name of the restaurant." Lafayette did a double take and cursed very loudly. Early into the dinner shift, Anakin thought he'd give Lafayette a little cleaning job to take his mind off his previous failures. He handed Lafayette a broom. "It looks a little dusty over by Table 3," he said. Lafayette took the broom, looking particularly gloomy. This was saying something as Lafayette had demonstrated in the past that he was capable of making a good situation out of anything, even an unsatisfactory lunch.

"What's zee point?" he said "I can't do anything right." He walked over to Table 3.

…SCREE…SCREE…SCREE…

Lafayette was holding the broom upside-down. A customer walked up to him and said "Hey, you just blow in from Stupidville?"

Anakin gave a nervous grin and tried to encourage Lafayette. He was about to say "You're doing great, Lafayette!" when a deliveryman walked in and called "I've got a load of awards for Anakin Skywalker!" At this, Anakin sensed a sudden spurt of rage surge through Lafayette. He began whacking the floor with the broom so vigorously that the Krusty Kenobi was soon engulfed by a large cloud of dust. Coughing hard, Anakin tried to find Lafayette. He did after Lafayette screamed "_Why can't I do anyzing right_?" Anakin took Lafayette by the arm and dragged him into the kitchen.

"Eet's no use, _mon ami_," said Lafayette "I can't do anyzing right."

"Come on, Lafayette," said Anakin "We're gonna do something I _know_ you can do. We're gonna open a jar!" He took one out of a drawer and opened it. "First, get a jar." Lafayette took out a spoon.

"Uh, Lafayette," said Anakin "That's a spoon."

"_Oui_," said Lafayette.

"You need a jar," said Anakin.

Lafayette took out an iron skillet.

"No."

Chair.

"No."

Boots.

"No."

Anakin.

"No," said Anakin "Try _this_." He handed Lafayette a jar. "Now, take off the lid." Lafayette stuffed the jar down the front of his shirt. "Just relax," said Anakin "Now, take your hand…" Lafayette put up his hand. "Good. You're almost there. Now, take your hand…and put it on the lid." Lafayette put it on the side of the jar. "No," said Anakin "The lid."

Tabletop.

"The lid."

Lafayette's face.

"_The..lid_. The lid, the lid, the lid, the lid, lid, lid, lid, lid, lid, lid, lid, lid, lid, lid, lid, lid, lid, lid, lid, lid, lid, lid, lid, lid, lid, lid, lid, lid, lid, _FREEZE_!" Lafayette's hand froze about an inch below the lid.

"Okay," said Anakin "You're almost there. Now, head for the lid. Cold, warmer, warmer, _burning hot_, YOU'RE ON FIRE!"

"AAAAAA!!" screamed Lafayette "EET BURNS!!!"

"Okay," said Anakin "Now, do exactly as I do." He took off the lid. "Exactly as I do. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly."

"Exactly as you do," said Lafayette and he opened the jar. He stared at it for a moment before crying "Oh no! I broke eet!"

"No, no, Marquis!" said Anakin "You did it!"

"I did?" The duo began cheering and throwing confetti everywhere. By the time they were done celebrating, it was time to go home.

"Remember when I took my hand and I put eet on zee lid?"

"Yeah."

"And zen, I took zee lid _off_ and I thought I broke eet?"

"Oh, yeah!"

"But I didn't!" said Lafayette "I opened zee jar and eet's all sanks to you!" Anakin smiled.

"If you just keep doing as I do," he said "you'll have an award in no time!"

* * *

_Well, there's part 1. Hope ya liked! If you've seen "Big Pink Loser", you know what's going to happen the next day…hilarity (and some blood) will ensue._


	2. Two Anakins?

The next morning, Anakin went to Lafayette's house to pick him up for work. Lafayette came out with a cheerful "_Bon jour_!" Anakin studied him for a moment.

"Wow," he said "It's amazing how a simple change of clothes can make a guy look just…like…me…" It was true. Lafayette's hair was braided to one side: the sign of the Jedi Padawan Learner. He was also wearing a brown tunic, boots and even a lightsaber.

"I figured," said Lafayette "Eef I'm going to be just like you, I'd bettair start with zis!"

"That's disturbing," said Anakin "But, okay!" At first, Anakin thought the idea of Lafayette copying his every move was funny, but as the day wore on, he found that Lafayette was also copying his every _mistake_, like slipping and breaking a load of dishes. Later that afternoon, Anakin and Lafayette were at the grill when Anakin started whistling "American Pie". Lafayette started doing the same. Then, Anakin accidentally dropped his spatula. Lafayette also dropped his spatula. Anakin took his hat off, Lafayette followed suit. Anakin put this hand on the grill, so did Lafayette. Anakin grinned slyly, Lafayette couldn't take the pain much longer.

"…eee_yyyYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!_" he screamed, yanking his hand off the grill and waving it around frantically.

"Ah HA!" cried Anakin, triumphantly taking his hand off the grill and deactivating the hologram that disguised his cybernetic hand and forearm. "You're copying me!"

"_Oui_," said Lafayette, just as his nobleman's lace glove caught fire.

"Why?"

"So I can get as many awards as you!"

"Well, it's getting on my nerves, so stop it!"

"'_Stop eet_'"

"Say, you're pretty good."

"Ah HA!" "Ah HA!"

"Damn." "Damn."

"Everything you know is wrong. Black is white and short is…" "Everything you know is wrong. Black is white and short is…"

"…pickled onions!" "…pickled onions!"

"…moon rock." "…moon rock."

"…shmubawuba." "…shmubawuba."

_At least I'm safe inside my mind. At least I'm safe inside my mind._

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

The duo raced out of the Krusty Kenobi and out onto the streets.

"Stop copying me!" Anakin yelled.

"Zere's no award for zat!" Lafayette yelled back. As they were running and yelling, they passed Gabe who was reading the newspaper for job listings. Lafayette's badge fell off and landed at Gabe's feet. He looked down and picked it up.

"Well," he said "I guess it's safe to go back to work now." Meanwhile, Anakin had taken a small stock of knives out of his tunic.

"I'm the knife thrower champion of Fruitville!" he boasted. Lafayette pulled knives out if his chest pocket.

"Me too!" he yelled. Anakin grinned, malevolently.

"I call this one _The Laundry Shredder_!" he yelled, spinning the knives in all kinds of complex ways. Lafayette couldn't keep up. He kept stabbing himself, Anakin emerged unscathed. "Ha!" he said "Not a scratch on me!" right when his clothes fell to the ground in shreds. Turning a strange shade of crimson, Anakin grabbed a newspaper to cover himself.

"I don't think so!" said Lafayette, ripping up his uniform. The next competition was even more painful. Instead of ripping up their clothes, they were repeatedly slicing their own arms. Blood was running down their bodies in streams.

"Not so great being me now, is it?" said Anakin.

"Are you kidding?" said Lafayette "I used to do zis _long_ before I started copying you!" Then, the blood loss started to get to Lafayette. Growing increasingly dizzy, he collapsed to the ground. Anakin retracted his metal saber (yes, Anakin has two sabers: his lightsaber and the Skywalker Saber which is a magic blade) and ran up to his house…only to find that it wasn't his house. Lafayette had re-done _his_ house to make it look exactly like Anakin's, only Lafayette's door was further to the left, so Anakin ran right into the wall, leaving a bloody imprint on it.

"My turn!" yelled Lafayette, running into the same spot. Anakin ran inside his _real_ house and collapsed to the floor from exhaustion and excessive blood loss. He woke up about 2 hours later in bed with his sliced arm bandaged up. Nightshot came up to him with a glass of water.

"Rough day at work with the newbie?" he said, handing Anakin the glass which he gratefully accepted.

"A living Hell," said Anakin, taking a swig of water and heaving a sigh. "I want the old Gilbert Lafayette back," he said, mournfully "But all he wants to do is be _me_!"

"Why don't you try turning the tables on him?" Nightshot suggested. Anakin's eyes lit up. That was a brilliant idea! Anakin got out of bed, went to his closet and swapped his Jedi tunic for a blue colonial general's uniform. He went back outside.

"_Bon jour_, world!" he said, in Lafayette's French accent "I am zee Marquis Gilbert de Lafayette and I weesh I were _moi_ and not Anakin!" Lafayette walked up to Anakin, scowling.

"What's so great about being a big French loser?" he said, very bitterly, right when Anakin's colonial wig fell off. "I rest my case."

"Come _on_, Gil," said Anakin "I want _you_ back! You're one of the closest friends I've got." Lafayette stood defiant. Just then, a delivery truck drove by and stuck a trophy package in Anakin's mouth.

"Oh, _great_," said Lafayette, seething "What's eet for _ZIS_ time?" Anakin spit out the package, removed the trophy and read the inscription.

For Doing Nothing Longer Than Anyone Else

Gilbert de Lafayette

"This one's for you!" cried Anakin. Lafayette stared in disbelief for a moment and grabbed the trophy, grinning widely. They swapped their clothes back and everything was back to normal.

"So," said Anakin "What are you going to do now?"

"I'm going to protect my title!" said Lafayette and he ran back inside his house. Through the window, Anakin saw him fall onto his bed and promptly go to sleep. Anakin went back inside. Nightshot was sitting at the table with a hot mug of coffee. He turned when Anakin came in.

"Well?" he said.

"Mission accomplished, little bro," said Anakin. Yes, in a town like Fruitville, significance can be found even in a Frenchman.

The End

_And that's how it all goes down. Hope ya liked! Please review! Thanx!_


End file.
